I think it says a lot that, in this article, Ms. Nicholson’s gender is almost more sensationalized than her win at a national competition.
… because I need to get this off my chest. Since I was about five years old I’ve struggled with thoughts of wanting to be a girl. I’m 22 now and since last year the feelings have been getting worse every month. I’ve spent my whole life trying to bury what I feel, and now its getting to the point where I think I need to start thinking about how to deal with it for the rest of my life, and I want this tumblr to be a part of that process for me.
Since last year I’ve been doing a lot of reading on trans issues and watching stuff on youtube whenever I get the chance. I’ve always been interested in trans-related things, and I’ve always had my own issues, but I never applied the transgender label to myself until recently when I started hearing what other transgender people said about their own experiences. I’ve come to realize that the more I hear others’ stories, the more I realize how much I can relate to them. That’s the part that is very painful for me. I am incredibly jealous of transsexuals. The main reason is that I see them as having found an escape to deal with how they felt, while I still feel trapped in this body that has never felt right.
I started going back to school in January mainly to just buy some time for making whatever decisions I need to make. Occasionally during class or at work I will feel tormented by my transgender feelings. Sometimes I can manage to ignore it for the rest of the day until I’m back at home, alone with my own thoughts. I’m currently living with my parents right now and going to community college. It’s a small town and I have no one that I can talk with about these issues. All the counselors at college know me or my family (small town) so talking to them doesn’t seem like a good option to me. I have three good friends that I know would listen to me, but I can’t handle telling them about this stuff right now. For now, I guess tumblr and the occasional anonymous message board post are what’s getting me by in life for the time being.
My parents are very religious (so am I really, but I can’t help what I feel) so I know they won’t approve of this. I can’t imagine what it will do to my mother who goes out of her way to make my life better every day. My dad has always been very strict, and both of my parents have been getting more and more involved with our church lately. Dad keeps pushing me to go with them to church more than my once a week/Sunday morning visit and to get me more involved with church activities, which is starting to make me very uncomfortable. It might sound shrewd, but if I could just leave this place to go to school and transition, I would to it in a heartbeat. I’ve had enough of the torment in my own mind that I feel every day.
When I tell them, they’re not going to let go of the idea that I need to just repent of my sins and trust in Jesus. I’ve done that. I know exactly what Christianity says about these things, but I can’t help it.. I just can’t. I’ve had my ‘come to Jesus moment’ and lived my life by His words. I completely surrendered my life to God and asked for His help every day to battle these feelings, which was the opposite of my prayers when I was little, when I prayed that I could just wake up as a girl and that everyone would have thought that I had always been that way. Hearing people say I just need to seek God is insulting to me. They just don’t have a clue as to what I’ve been through my whole life.
I really needed to get that off my chest so I’m done for now. I’m desperate for some support since I won’t have any from my own family if I have to come out to them.
You can call me… Lil.
I identify as… the original metalhead leatherdyke transsexual ubergeek SubGenius minister.
As far as third-person pronouns go, … stick with female pronouns if you can, gender-neutral ones if you must, and don’t even try using any others! (read on)
I put together a bunch of photos of myself pre and post transition. I think a lot of us do this, the issue of documentation through transition becomes very important. Anyways… I’ve changed A LOT! haha theyre somewhat chronological begining in the upper left and scrolling down to the lower right. The boy side is from sometime 2008 to april 2010, the other side begins July 2010 and goes until oct 2010.